Often when we begin a healing process, we have on our rose-tinted glasses and think it will be a linear progression, simple and straightforward – right? No problem.
However what often happens, is that it takes us on a very different journey, more akin to a meandering mountain goat track through the mountains, the valleys, back to the Mountains, oh look another valley (maybe my damn goat is actually lost at times!?) versus the straight, clear path of the highway at 110k down the straight!
I firmly believe that as we peel back the layers, we deal with each different thing in the perfect timing and we open ourselves to the different layers exactly as we need to.
I took up running last year and started to experience a few issues with my right knee. Like most 21st century humans I self-diagnosed Bursitis by searching the Internet and took a break from running. A friend recommended a physio but I felt uncomfortable as they were an in home service and I procrastinated a little bit longer thinking it would heal itself. Finally, my knee was such that I had to make an appointment and just in the perfect moment another referral came my way.
My knee issues were traced back to my hips being out of alignment and this was flowing down into my knee. No real surprises there I had worked with an Osteopath on and off so I knew my hips would likely be involved in some way. In the course of our conversation with my physio, I shared I had experienced sexual trauma in my childhood and until six years ago I couldn’t feel my body. My savvy physio suggested we also do a pelvic floor ultrasound and this is where things got interesting.
The ultrasound revealed that my pelvic floor was in fact stuck on and this was also contributing to the issues with my hips and down into my knee.
Makes sense right?
To protect myself I had jammed all my muscles on, trying in vain to stop what was happening to me and I had never learnt how to turn that protection off. For the past 40 years my pelvic floor has been in that protective state, on high alert, contracted and protecting me. From my work as a yoga teacher, I was aware that the pelvic floor and the jaw are also connected via a fascial train and I have experienced TMJ issues my whole life.
Another dot connecting. Release one, and we learn to release the other.
In addition to my treatment plan, my physio recommended I consider going to a women’s health pelvic floor specialist. I sat with that idea and ultimately felt given my experiences and the psychological nature of the protection it would serve me better to work with a Womb healer and we would check my pelvic floor in a few months. The idea had been bouncing around my head for some time and this seemed like the moment to explore it.
As the universe is want to do, the moment I opened my awareness to the possibility of this type of work an opportunity immediately presented itself. A womb healer who I already knew announced she would be commencing a womb healing mentorship in the coming weeks. I was the first to sign up about 1m and 45s after she announced it – my natural procrastination taking a back seat to trusting the magic of synchronicity as it so beautifully presented itself.
It has been a very deeply satisfying process to begin to connect and develop awareness of this part of my body. A part of my body that I had spent so many years feeling shame and in so many ways, a lot of confusion towards. A centre of pleasure that had been used for pain, it was a confounding paradox to grapple with.
When I started to tap into this area, I realised I felt disconnected and separate from that part of my body and whilst I understand my cycle from a technical perspective I had not delved deeply or connected with my cycle on an energetic level. For much of my life it had been an inconvenience that I had used the contraceptive pill to bypass when it suited me, until such time as I had messed my hormones up so badly I could no longer tolerate the pill.
In my work with the womb healer, she also shared the connection between the cervix and the larynx, these two parts of the body share striking similarities (do an image search – it is fascinating). I was flooded with memories of being a child, singing freely and open heartedly, I wrote songs and wanted to be a singer, yet as an adult I had continually struggled to find my voice in relationships, during intimacy and I had also struggled with my ability to express my voice when singing – particularly in front of anyone.
So here I am today, slowly re-connecting with my body, in her completeness, her full glory. Learning how to use my muscles, to create safety and to let go of the protection life needed me to construct. I am learning to use my voice, on all levels. This journey is in its infancy and that is amazing, I am so open to the possibility it presents for me to live a fuller more embodied life, deeply connected to this powerful womanhood I have been gifted with.
When I think about the many significant and hundreds of small changes I have made over the past 10 years of my life in their totality, to make them all in one go would have set me up for failure. To even contemplate that is overwhelming.
So I encourage you to trust the process and timing of your healing, nothing is random and everything will reveal itself in the perfect moment when you open yourself to the magic of possibility.
In case you are wondering, my knee is doing great. I’m back running, I’m fitter and stronger than I’ve ever been, on all levels and I led two chants in a Kirtan on the weekend, dipping my toes into sharing my voice in another way.
The universe gives us each a heart song to share, and the greatest tragedy of human existence is to not share that unique gift with the world. What is stopping you sharing yours?
Namaste
Kerryelle
